Family Fued--ER Style
by CarterNAbbyInLuv
Summary: Carter and Luka duke it out on Family Fued at a chance to sleep with Abby!
1. Default Chapter

Family Fued--ER Style  
  
Announcer: "Tonight, one of these families is going to walk away with $20,000. As we get ready to play THE FAMILY FUED!"  
  
Announcer: "They're directly from the land of Croatia! The Kovac...huh? Who are these people?? The Co-vac family...they sound like some sort of cleaning device...Let's welcome them!"  
  
Announcer: "They're directly from the land of the surfers! Let's welcome the Carter family from Southern California!"  
  
Kovac Family: "How come they get a nice welcome...and we get shafted?"  
  
Announcer: "Because you haven't been in this country long, and that's how things work around here. SO DEAL WITH IT!"  
  
(Luka yells at the announcer....."THIS IS A CROCK!")  
  
Announcer: "Luka, do you even know what a crock is? It's not even a Croatian word!"  
  
Announcer: "Now here's our host...Louie Anderson."  
  
(Everyone applauds)  
  
Louie: "Welcome to the fued...tonight, the Kovac family (mutters to himself, "is that like some sort of cleaning device?") against the Carter family."  
  
Louie: "First question...Luka and Carter...shake hands..."  
  
(They look at each other with disgust)  
  
Louie: "Come on! Shake hands, or I will have to remove both of you."  
  
(They shake hands and immediately wipe them on their suits afterwards)  
  
Louie: "Like I said...first question....name a sports team that has to do with animals."  
  
(Luka buzzes first)  
  
Luka: (ponders to himself) "The GRIZZLIES!"  
  
(Luka looks flustered and happy, thinking he's got the right answer.)  
  
Louie: "Carter, would you like to take a CRACK at it?"  
  
Carter: "Sure I would, Louie."  
  
Louie: "What's your answer?"  
  
Carter: "The Dolphins!"  
  
Louie: "You win the face off!"  
  
Luka: "This is a crock!"  
  
Announcer: "Mr. Luka "Cleaning Device"...I thought we said you didn't know what a crock was. That's an American word, remember? THIS is an American game show! You're not in Croatia anymore, Luka."  
  
Louie: "Now we come over here to meet the Carter family. Carter, introduce us to your family if you would."  
  
Carter: "I would love to Louie."  
  
Carter: "Next to me is the golddigger of the family, my father Jack. Next to him is the drunk of the family, my mother, Eleanor. Next to her is the richest grandmother in the world, Millicent, but we call her Gamma...."  
  
Louie (interjects): "Gamma? Nice to meet you...is that French? Now back to the Carter family."  
  
Carter: "Next to Gamma is my sister, Barbara."  
  
Louie: "How come you have nothing to say about your sister?"  
  
Carter: "I don't know..I never knew her that well. We just met."  
  
Louie: "Nice to meet you everyone. Now Jack, nice to meet you...what do you do?"  
  
Jack: "Well, like Carter said, I am the golddigger...I spend many of the families investment funds.."  
  
Louie: "That's quite a job...I wouldn't mind having it myself, if you knew what I mean?" (laughs)  
  
Louie: "Who do we have next to Jack?"  
  
Louie: "Ahh, the richest grandmother in the world, Millicent!"  
  
Millicent: "Nice to meet you Louie...what John is saying is true..I am the richest grandmother in the world. I have a huge mansion with 25 bedrooms, 75 butlers, 30 groundsmen, 80 maids, and 100 carwashers...and..."  
  
Louie: "Well Millicent, I don't mean to cut you off, but I would like to get to the rest of your family before the show ends."  
  
Millicent: "I'm so sorry Louie, proceed."  
  
Louie: "Last but not least, we have Carter's estranged sister, Barbara."  
  
Louie: "What do you do Barbara?"  
  
Barbara: (dressed in street clothes) "Well its like this Louie, I just met my family today...they uh (spits) picked me up off da street until I could get da very nice job and some clean clothes, and maybe da bath?"  
  
Louie: "Well, its nice to meet all of you, LETS PLAY THE FUED!"  
  
(Jack and some member of Luka's family face off)  
  
Louie: "Name a green vegetable."  
  
(Luka buzzes first)  
  
Luka: "Haha, too quick for Carter's old man!!"  
  
(Jack gives Luka the finger)  
  
Luka: "I have the perfect answer...a cucumber!"  
  
Louie: "You got it Luka, thank God!"  
  
Louie: "Let's meet your family!"  
  
Luka: "Okay."  
  
(They walk over to his family)  
  
Louie: "Would you like to introduce us to your family Luka?"  
  
Luka: "Sure....next to me is my father, Heizadork, next to him is my mother Shebeadorkzwife, next to her is my uncle Orik, next to him is my aunt Lidiya.  
  
Louie: "Nice to meet you, what do you do Heizadork? And where does that name come from?"  
  
Heizadork: "I'm a train conductor in Zogar. It pays the bills. My parents made up my name. They didn't have any left. So they made one up."  
  
Louie: "Hmm thats interesting and strange. But what an interesting job that is. I had never met a train conductor before."  
  
Heizadork: "Thank You. It's great to be out of Croatia, and here in America."  
  
Louie: "Let's ask the question...Name a green vegetable."  
  
Heizadork: "Let's see...a whatchamacallit...a potatoe?"  
  
Louie: "That's not right, but are you a fan of Dan Quayle?"  
  
Heizadork: "Who is this Mr. Quayle? Does he look like a whale? I know what a whale looks li--"  
  
Louie: "Okay, lets go to the Carter family...Carter family, do you have an answer?"  
  
(Buzzer)  
  
Carter: "We're going to go with celery."  
  
Louie: "Is celery up there?"  
  
(Celery is up there)  
  
Louie: "Yes! Congratulations Carter family, you win the game!"  
  
Luka: "This is a CROCK! Shove it up your...."  
  
Louie: "Luka, I will tell you where to shove it."  
  
(Louie goes over to console Luka's family)  
  
Louie: "I'm sorry. You're such a nice family (laughs)."  
  
Louie: "And one more thing Luka, I'm so sorry...you lose the chance to sleep with lovely Abby."  
  
Luka: "So what. The sex was never good. Carter can have her."  
  
Louie: "He just might get her."  
  
(camera pans over to Abby, she gives Luka the finger and screams...."Never again will I have you in bed! I was never aroused! NEVER!" Shove it up your --------(bleep)--------(bleep)-------(bleep)."  
  
Louie: "I'm sorry America..this is SUPPOSED to be a family show. NOT Jerry Springer."  
  
(Jack once more gives the finger, but its to Luka's father this time.)  
  
Jack: "Eat dust you cleaning devices!"  
  
Louie: "Who wants to play fast money?"  
  
(Millicent and Eleanor raise their hands)  
  
Louie: "Come on ladies! Who's going to go first?"  
  
(Millicent raises her hand)  
  
Louie: "Well be right back...for the chance to win..."  
  
Louie: "Win what Millicent? Like you already need more money."  
  
Millicent: "I may be a grandmother, but I have a black belt in karate and I can whoop yo ass! Don't get near me!"  
  
(Louie backs away)  
  
Louie: "Chance to win what?"  
  
Millicent: "Twenty thousand dollars." 


	2. Fast Money

Chapter 2-Fast Money  
  
Louie: "We're back. I am here with the Carter family who won the game. I am here with the richest grandmother in the world, Millicent Carter. You ready to play fast money?"  
  
Millicent: "Yes."  
  
Louie: "The clock starts when I finish the first question...good luck."  
  
Millicent: "Thank you, Louie. Nice tie."  
  
Louie: "Thank you. Nice skirt. Can I see what's under it?"  
  
Millicent: "I can whoop yo ass, remember that!"  
  
Louie: "Here we go...first question."  
  
Louie: "Name a character on South Park."  
  
Millicent: "Umm...(thinks to herself).....KENNY?"  
  
Louie: "Name a food that you eat with your fingers."  
  
Millicent: "Corn."  
  
Louie: "Name a curse word for female."  
  
Millicent: "You actually want me to do this one...alright if you say so...Bitch."  
  
Louie: "Name a city in California."  
  
Millicent: "Oh that's easy, Los Angeles."  
  
Louie: "Last question, name a thing that you get in an airport."  
  
Millicent: "Newspaper."  
  
Louie: "Time's up...Let's see how you did."  
  
Louie: "I asked, "Name a character on South Park."  
  
Louie: "You said, Kenny."  
  
Louie: "Survey says....35."  
  
Louie: "If you do this good on the next questions, I don't think we need Eleanor out here."  
  
Louie: "I asked you to name a food that you eat with your fingers."  
  
Louie: "You said...corn."  
  
Louie: "Survey says....25."  
  
Louie: "The next question was..."Name a curse word for female."  
  
Louie: "You said...bitch. That's the number one answer."  
  
Louie: "Survey says.....45."  
  
Louie: "Do me a favor...go touch the screen!"  
  
(Millicent touches the screen...the total there is 155.)  
  
Louie: "Gosh darn it, we don't even have to get Eleanor out here."  
  
(Eleanor runs out and almost falls on her ass screaming.)  
  
(They all hug)  
  
(Camera pans over to Abby...and they notice she isn't in her seat.)  
  
Louie: "Where's Abby?"  
  
(Camera pans over to Carter and Abby...they're making out on the floor.)  
  
Louie: "Oh there they are! Ha ha."  
  
Louie: "I guess the sex is great now huh?"  
  
Louie: "Come join the fued!" 


End file.
